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Looking Back…and moving on..

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It’s been more than a year now, since our son left us, left this world and peacefully earned his angel wings, now safe and secure in the hands of God. It takes courage for me now to look back and reminisce each details again, write my feelings about it. How am I now? Our life was not all been plain sailing, it was rough and bumpy ride, nevertheless I have more miles to cross to reach my healing destination. All these time, I harbored all the feelings; my devastations, frustrations, anxieties even my anger. I was in the state of harbination, moved to somewhere a lot quieter for a while, away from the crowd, from the noise, chose to be with my family alone and God, I tried to cope all the times that had been lost. I may scare some people If I would keep on sharing our grief telling the universe how harrowing it was losing a child, yeah, they would listen to your drama but not all the time, some would not be able to fully perceive or understand what’s going on with your heart. Nothing’s change, I still grieve on same sentiments, still have my “what if’s ” and missing my son each day is really tough and agonizing. It’s not easy but taking just one step slower would bring me to a goal, fulfilling what I have promised. My son had a rare vascular condition, wherein he needed a blood transfusion regularly to extend his life. I got so overwhelmed by many entangled questions, simply to know his condition wasn’t enough. I did lots of research to get more informations. I connected with some people with kids having the same case around the globe, they  assisted  me of  informations that could help and  and I was able to send his medical records to US.  Feel blessed I got recommendations but for some reasons things didn’t happen the way what’s supposed to be done, things didn’t materialize as we hoped, his struggles continued. In life how much we try to do our best for something if things are not meant, we can’t do anything. Only God has the last word for everything. When my son took his last breath I made this one “big promise ” to continue his kindness and generosity, I must do something in his behalf one day.  I know God and my angel are guiding me, leading me to where to  start, torn between the pain, desperation of yesterday, and my promise, one thing now is very sure that I know, God wants me to continue…

Just a share…

~Nodz